Keli belly

In case I haven't said it recently I hate Cerebral Palsy!!!!!

The last couple weeks have test me to the max. Keli has been taking phenobarbital since she was born for her seizures. Phenobarbital is a very strong narcotic drug. About a month ago we started to wean her off of this drug because usage past age two is not good for her. This drug is very effective but has a great number of side effects. Well weaning her off this drug is like taking a heroin addict's heroin away. She is very addicted to it. To make matters worse you add in Cerebral palsy and it is a recipe for lots of miserable days and sleepless nights. One of the fun things about CP is that anything can trigger a "flare up" and then it become this terrible snowball effect.

So now that I have explain the mechanics of our present situation let me explain my feelings. I am so frustrated and tried. It constantly feels like 2 steps forward and 20 back. It is such a helpless feeling to see your baby in so much pain and discomfort and not be able to fix it. I once had someone tell me that I make raising a special needs child look easy- what a joke! I am human and I reach my breaking point nearly everyday. I am constantly on the verge of tears and sometimes I just can hold back.

What keeps me going and holds me back from the deep end? First and formost my faith in the Lord and that He will supply me with the strength to make it though another day. Secondly, Keli, if that little girl can endure all of this and still have a smile on her face I can keeping plugging along too. If you want to know the truth Cody and I are positive that we have been charged with a very special task of caring for a someone one that is so special words can't describe. Her purity and sweet spirit never cease to amaze me.

Today was Keli's dedication. Found it such perfect timing that during this time of struggle I am dedicating myself to raising Keli in a the ways of the Lord. Also found it ironic cause most of the time I truly feel as if Keli is constantly teaching me more profound lessons than I could every teach her.

Keli I love you with every fiber of my being and just hope that I can be the Mom to you that God wants me to be.

faith

Ok so I know it has been awhile. Let me explain, my computer has been down and life has gotten so crazy! By the way please forgive any grammatical errors as I am writing this on my wee little phone in the middle of the night because I so need to share this right now. One thing I will not apologize for is the context of which I am writing. I am overwhelmed with the need to write this. So there is my disclaimer.
I have recently been slapped in the face with conviction, which as stubborn as I am, is usually how it has to happen. Buckle in cause here it goes-I have been guilty of making excuses for my faith. I have been guilty of avoiding the subject with certain people like one would avoid talking politics in certain company. I have been guilty of fearing judgements because of my believes. And last but not least I have been guilty of not sharing the gospel when given every opportunity to do so.
I know I am not alone in the guilty of this. I know many people do the same thing daily weather they are aware or not. Again God has so lovingly but justly corrected me in this. I have come to realize how dangerous it can be to not 100% of the time wear my faith like a banner and take every opportunity given to spread the news.
So as for me, I am making no more excuses. I am going to work hard at taking every opportunity given. I will wave the banner of truth proudly. Cause after all we are in a battle here and I am in the Lords army!

being mom

Lately there has been a lot of posts on facebook like if your a mom put the time and weight of your child, and "I have carried a life inside of me" and on and on. Don't get me wrong these are totally awesome and amazing however they got me to thinking what really makes someone a mom. I am not doubting my validity as a mother, or anyone elses, just got me to thinking about my own processes in which I became one. I feel so blessed that I became a mom in the way that I did. I would not change it for the world although I would be completely lying if I told you that I don't wonder sometimes what it would be like to take that first positive pregnancy test, or feel the first kick, or know what its like to breast feed. But my journey has not been so different. In fact there are so many similarities I decided to write "Being Mom". sorry if you don't like it I wrote it for my girls and me just thought I would share!

Being Mom
Conception- I cannot remember the day you were conceived but I remember the day we got the call and how long we waited for that day.
First picture- I don't remember your first sonogram (if you even had one)but I remember the first time I saw your picture with a note attached that said "It's a girl", oh how I knew I loved you and we cried for hours.
Pregnancy- I don't know what it was like to carry you for 9 months, oh but I remember the wait and anticipation and longing to bring you home.
Body Changes- I don't remember stretch marks or hormones, but I remember the worry lines and gray hairs and oh yeah plenty of heartburn.
Labor- I don't remember how long or hard it was to bring you into the world, but I remember how long and hard it was to fill out all those papers and have home inspection after home inspection, interview after interview, background check after background check to determine if we would make good parents (and yes it was painful).
Birth-I don't remember what your first cry sounded like or what you looked like those first moments but I remember what my heart felt the first time you were put in my arms and someone told me you were mine.
First homecoming- I don't remember taking you home from the hospital for the first time but I remember the first time you came home we couldn't quit staring at you like you would disappear if we blinked.

I loved you before I even knew you and more everyday. There is no limits to my love for you. God choose you for me and me for you and that my child is what makes me a mother!

understanding

Today I am at a lost. When things happen that we don't understand it can truly shake you to your core. I have learned that a day will come when you sit back and say "oh that was the purpose" or "that happened because". Some of those moments will not come till we are threw with this world. Even in all our faith and all our trust in knowing God has a plan it doesn't make some pills any easier to swallow. As I sit greiving with some dear friends I know God is here. If nothing else I know He is here.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding" Proverbs 3:5

refreshed

So keeping with my self commitment to blog here I am. At first when I started blogging I thought this is more for me, kinda a medium in which to express my feelings and put them out there. Putting my feelings out there is so therapeutic for me so that I can't hide from them and pretend everything is hunky dorie fudge. Well then it quickly became I was hiding from the blog all together. However a friend pointed something very interesting out to me. On the dashboard of my blog there is a cool little button that says "stats". Such a harmless looking little button, till I realized people outside of my personal little community read this crazy little rant of mine. Well I hope that what they find here in my corner of the worldwide web is that the rain comes and the struggles they are plenty but as hard as it is sometimes I will lift my head and praise God for walking with me in the storm. Stay tuned for more adventures at the Moore's- they are always plentiful!

its been a while!

Well, it has been awhile since I blogged. Sorry about that! I guess in the long list of crazy things that happen to the Moore's you can add being robbed! They took my laptop and I just now got around to replacing it! As one of my best friends Tiffany said "only the Moore's"! Any who, heres what's new for us! We are currently working on Keli's adoption and ready to get that done! The boy child did return home with little word on his progress but I know he is safe. Well, to say the least with adopting a medically fragile child our thinking towards the future is evolving. There are new things on our horizon all which are exciting and scary all at the sametime! Just in prayer mode right now on how this is all going to come together. I am trusting God and why not look at all the amazing things He has done in my life so far! Well friends I will try to get better about blogging now that I have a puter again! Love you all!!!!